God made me a pretty smart girl.
Then it doesn't work out, and I am heartbroken.
Tired, depressed, angry, irritated, and unmotivated.
Pray? Why bother? (As if I'm punishing Him.)
Read? I don't feel like it. (As if somehow He will cave to my sulking.)
I'm reading a book, The Extravagant Fool by Kevin Adams. Here is an incident he related in this book between him and his daughter that floored me, probably much like it did Kevin when it happened...
At age four she came bouncing from the bathroom, dripping wet with tears in her eyes, to ask, “Daddy, didn't you say that anything is possible with God if you just believe hard enough?”
“Sure, sweet girl. Absolutely.”
“Well, Daddy . . . I’ve just come from the bathtub, and it was filled up to the top.”
“Uh-huh.” I suddenly imagined myself backhanding the floating chairs, toilet seats, and toothbrushes half submerged in Bathroom Lake.
“Yes, sweetheart?” I’m now reluctantly reaching for the bathroom door, with her close behind me.
“Well, um . . . I’ve been trying and trying to walk on the water the whole time, and I just can’t do it. I’m really sorry, Daddy. I believed I could do it with God’s help, but I can’t — and I’m really sorry.”
With profound silence, I looked at her curious little face and hoped for a routine word ...
... But all I had to offer this time was a hug — one I couldn’t let go of without a little extra help from above.
Help me, Father. Just one thought that gently brought the next one:
Anything is possible with Me, but not everything is useful to Me. Peter only walked after I said, “Come.”
“Sweet girl,” I said on the heels of that thought, “it is possible for you to walk on water, but only if it’s something God wants you to do. Did He tell you to walk on the water?”
“No, Daddy, He didn’t. I just wanted to.”
Before I could finish that brilliant thought, though, she was on to the next subject.
It doesn't matter if I have the best intentions or the worst intentions. It doesn't matter if my end goal is selfish or if I want it to work for His glory. If it isn't His will, I will ultimately fail.